When I Open My Eyes

     When I open my eyes, I see his hands raised high above his head. Within seconds, it lands on my cheek, bringing tears to my eyes. I quickly ready myself for another round of his thrashing. I shut my eyes tightly, afraid that he will be able to read the fear in my eyes. But it never came. All I hear is the loud bang of the door and the hushed click, marking the endless torture and torment by that monster.
    When I open my eyes, I can feel the tingle on my cheek, the very spot where his blow had landed on. But that little prickly feeling cannot compare to the burn and sting I feel in my heart. How can someone be so heartless and cruel to his own family? To his own flesh and blood? He is supposed to be my protector. My defender and my Superman. Instead, he is the destroyer of my hope, the slayer of my joy and the cause of my death. 
    When I open my eyes, I feel the terror. Every day, without fail. I feel my heart pumping like it's on steroids when I hear his footsteps approaching. And when the door opens, I have nowhere to hide. Totally defendless and naked to his physical abuse. I dread the horror I have to endure and suffer every day. He is a vile brute and I hate him. 
    When I open my eyes, I always thing of a way to flee, to escape from my misery and pain. I grief for my lack of persistence and devotion to run away from this hell of a place. I weep for my cowardice and weakness. Every time I try, I fail not due to the lack of attempts but due to the lack of courage. Every time I nearly grasp my fingers around my victory, I withdraw and shred my resolution to ribbons. However, I am going to try once more. My ultimate escape. I owe it to myself to at least struggle and squeeze myself out of this hellhole of mine. 
    When I open my eyes, I feel different. I feel alive and unbound by that wicked creature. This time, he will not get me. This time, he will pay for all he has done. This time, I am triumphant and victorious. I shut my eyes, slowly taking in all the great and wonderful things around me.
    When I open my eyes, the bombshells drop. the jury has made their decision. He is guilty but his punishment is a slap on his wrist. And I was to be returned to him. Back to that fiend. Returned to my nightmare, my very own dreadful incubus.
    When I open my eyes, I will be my own saviour. I will be my own judge, jury and executioner. When I open my eyes. 
   

If only

    I looked out the window. The full moon was shining ever so brightly and the starts were dancing like ballerinas across the black velvety night. Not a single cloud was in sight. Nothing to hinder them from sparkling like diamonds for the world to see. What a beautiful night. If only it was thins beautiful every night.

    I chewed my lips. I could taste the strawberry lipstick I had put on a few hours ago. I smiled and let my mind wandered. The sweet taste lingered for a few seconds before it gradually faded away. I licked my lips and thought about the times they fitted perfectly fine with yours. If only those moments were to last forever. 

    I slowly lowered myself into the water and began to feel the warm water filled every curve of my body. Serenity began to fill my heart and tranquility, my mind. I pictured those times your fingers ran through my body and shivers ran down my spine. Like silky cashmere, they were smooth, light and playful as you mischievously teased me by running them in my hair. If only I could have you for a lifetime.

   Right here, drowning out all the pointless noise and racket of life, I could hear my heart beating steadily, like a rhythm to a love song. It slowly calmed down. Then, there was just pin-drop silence. My broken heart was dying. If only you were here to make it stronger.
  The buzz of life eludes me and I was slowly slipping away. Without you, nothing matters. Not the beautiful night. Not even the wonderful taste of life and the songs of serenity. Without you, darkness filled my heart and emptiness took your place. The loud bangs on the door began to dwindle away. They will never get here in time. The cut was too deep, just as I planned it. Soon, we would be together again. And this time, no one would break us apart. If only it was true.

One month experience

This coming 20th will mark the one month anniversary of being a working adult,
living her life away from home and my family.
The journey has not been smooth,
there were fancy bumps and rough patches along the way
But God has been good and merciful
He provideth and giveth His best to His child.

Having said that, life in Masai has its ups and downs.
with the recent news about the little girl
that was kidnapped and murdered nearby my area
has made me realized that safety is everyone's first priority
never take anything lightly
and to constantly be alert and to be careful

This little person is slowly growing older
but also slowly growing wiser by the day
having seen a bigger picture than the one I am used to
being so far away from my family taught me to be strong
for myself and for them
it's a challenge
but I also learned to trust in the Lord

New update

This is Amy Chong, reporting for duty in SMK Seri Kota Puteri 2 in Masai, Johor. Just a little short update that I'm doing well and still very much alive after the gruesome first week. God is good. He provides to our needs. The wonderful and helpful staff in school and the surprising ration of cultures of school students. The thick-skinnedness that I never knew I has lead to me to finding a place to stay and ways to school. He is indeed good and mighty!

Go and talk to her. I dare you.

I stared back, shocked and embarrassed to admit that I have not been listening to a single word. I smiled sheepishly, hoping that I would be off the hook this time. The reason I have not been listening to a word my best friend was saying, was standing right in front of me. I quickly turned away and looked at my feet. Silently, I prayed to the stars and gathered all the courage I have to look her way before I was smacked squarely on the back of my head. Grimacing in mock pain, I peeked at my best friend seated on my right. That hideous camouflage cap I have given as a joke for this year’s birthday was in those hands that had taken a swing at me.

“She is beautiful, isn’t she?”

There it was, the phrase that I dreaded the most. The minute I admit to that fact will be the minute all the taunting and teasing starts and stays for the rest of my life. I sighed and pretended to enjoy the KL night sky.

“Come on. Go in for the kill. Go talk to her. I dare you”

I looked at that smile carved on that cheeky face. Despite all the sassinesss and playfulness bundled up in that tiny body, I could sense the seriousness of that dare. I turned my attention back to the girl. Three more stops and that is it, she will be gone for the day. Standing there with her headphones, she looked so calm and poised. Her black ballerina skirt danced playfully around her knees, a dramatic contrast to her milky skin. Her head was tilted slightly from reading the book in her hands and her feet tapping to the beat of the music. Enthralled by her beauty, I was caught staring at her when she suddenly looked my way. Our eyes met briefly before she smiled and sat on the seat a few rows in front of us that was recently vacant. My heart had stopped temporarily from that split second, electrifying moment. Having witnessing it all, my best friend scoffed.

“Go talk to her” was the mantra chanted repeatedly which had resulted in the secret and brief denouncement of my friendship with a madman. After what seemed like an eternity of chanting, patience must have been running fairly thin in those bloodstreams before I was shoved out of my seat. With a simple “go”, I was sent on a humble journey to a deadly mission with devastating results. I inhaled deeply and went in for the kill, totally oblivious to the fact that the person who will be devastated most from this was seated beside a window, wearing a hideous camouflage cap given by a friend.